She Said. Then He Said…

I received a very insightful comment in my email regarding the Love & Marriage blog. I’ve been friends with this gent for some years now – and it touched me that something I wrote, moved him enough to bare his soul. (Due to such personal content, he will remain anonymous – unless he decides to reveal himself in the future) I love his thought process and writing style, so hopefully we may collaborate on a few posts, and get a real “He said/She said” thang goin on.

I asked his if he’d mind me sharing his response, because I honestly thought that the meat of what was said (much like my blog) may be a big help to anyone struggling with their marriage, or who hopes to be married someday.

#realtalk – so if you ain’t ready for real, you just…ain’t ready.

Like to hear it? Hear it gooooooo (and I quote – emphasis is mine):

“Damn girl.

Ummmmmm, that was powerful.  So powerful in fact that it moved me.  My wife loves me to death, but she gets aggravated with me because I rarely if ever share what’s on my mind.  The first time she said that, I was stunned because if there’s ever a person that I *think* I share my thoughts with, it’s her.  I couldn’t be too mad at her though because she was right.  I do keep everything on the inside.  That being said, what you said was so powerful that you messed up and got yourself elected (temporarily) as my little red-headed priest(ess) to whom I will now share a few thoughts.  It’s kind of like confession, except neither of us is Catholic.  I warn you, this may be long, it may ramble, it might piss you off, and if it does, well, I get it.  I just have to know that I said it to somebody at least once.

My thoughts on marriage……….

 

Before getting married, lots of people gave me lots of advice.  Most of it was bullshit.  I didn’t tell them that but, as they talked, I vividly remember tuning them out and saying to myself, “that’s bullshit”.  The simple fact of the matter is that no advice can prepare you for the marriage you’re about to live.  Every marriage is different, they all have their own set of circumstances, conditions, challenges, successes, limitations and boundaries.  What spells doom for one marriage is only a speedbump for another.  On top of that, as human beings, we’re constantly changing.  The person I was 5 years ago isn’t the person I am today.  The same for my wife.  There are no guarantees that as two people grow, they will grow the same way.  It’s totally possible for one person to wake up one day and want to be a rockstar while they other one wants to change sexes.  It’s just a wild ride like that.

 

Marriage is one of those things where (for some stupid reason) people only go into it dreaming about the positives.  We’ll have kids, we’ll buy a house, we’ll get a dog, we’ll live happily ever after and it’ll all be great.  I have no clue why most of us think that.  The years leading up to marriage certainly weren’t problem free.  WTF makes us think that the years following it will be?  If anything, it’s bound to be worse because now we’ve agreed before all our friends, family, the priest, and God to make our partner’s problems our own.  Marriage is challenging because to be any good at it, it requires that you change, it forces you to be better even when damnit -  you don’t want to be.

 

The first few years after I got married, I don’t think I was mentally married.  Most of my friends were single, I hung out A LOT, and I was overcome by an immense desire to cheat.  I never missed a chance to make friends with a single female.  I can’t tell you why.  I’d never been much of a cheater before that.  I didn’t even have much respect for guys who cheated.  Anyway, as luck/fate would have it, I never actually did.  I always think back to that time in my marriage and wonder why she didn’t say anything or even run over me with the car and make it look like an accident.

She had to have known.  She’s intuitive like that.  I’d like to think that maybe she saw the husband I was capable of being even if I didn’t.

As the years have gone on, I think about some of the things that my single friends assume marriage to be and I just laugh.  They’re so clueless.  All they see it for is what you get.  It’s so much more about what you have the opportunity to give.  Marriage enables me to be a guy who can be supportive and strong.  It also gives me a chance to acknowledge what I’m totally bad at and allow somebody to help me with…  ” <end quote>

*head nod*

I was blown away. I read and re-read it. And I must say, I wholeheartedly agree. Not just from his perspective as a man – but even as a woman.  This definitely gave me alot to consider as I go back & forth with the pro’s (and con’s ??) of Love & Marriage (and the pursuit of Sanity).

There ya have it, folks!

PEACE!

Birds of a Feather?

This is a blog that I’m bringing back to life along with some new thoughts.  It was brought about by a discussion with a friend today, with whom I share almost everything. We are very similar in alot of ways. And in other ways, not so much. It led me back to this subject matter, that I wanted to share with the masses (for those who weren’t connected to me on Yahoo! 360 or Multiply – or may have gained some new insight in the past few years)

what do your friendships say about you?

I want to pose these questions to you:

• What do our friendships say about us?
• Are the type of people we choose to surround ourselves with [always] indicative of the type of person we are?

Alot to chew on, huh?

Yup. I know….

Speaking for myself, I’ve always had a wide variety of friends from all walks of life.  But for the ‘most’ part, fundamentatly, we always had very similar outlooks, goals, morals, etc. As I’ve gotten older…and over the past 5-6 years in particular (mostly due to my increasing online family) I’ve noticed that my friendships have become more of a cornucopia of different types of people with as varied lifestyles, backgrounds, paths, goals…as there are colors in the rainbow. This can be very good!

Because I think that in this: we can learn alot, and grow alot more (for whatever reason) be it not wanting to follow the same path – OR- realizing that we can broaden our horizons and experience things we never thought we would. OR simply forming truly “unexpected” friendships with people that you never thought you could/would have a connection with that truly have held you down, had your back, and stepped up to bat for you even when other long-time friends left you hanging.

See, sometimes WE are meant to be a blessing (of sorts) to someone else. Maybe we were placed in their life to help them grow in some way…and if we are so quick to dismiss them because they don’t necessarily reflect who we happen to be as a person…we may be missing out on so much. On the converse, maybe THEY were placed in our life for the same reason. Everything is relative to our personal life experiences.

Complicated stuff, I suppose. Right?

I mean, on the other side of the coin: I’m sure certain connections can be detrimental [to a point].  I guess it depends on how you deal with it. I understand that “just because” we are friends with people doesn’t mean we will always see eye to eye, or sit in agreement of their deciscions or lifestyle. But does that mean we should write them off?

Probably not.

While it’s hard just hard to watch people that you care about make some deciscions that [you] feel may not be in their best interest, be selling themself short, or paint themselves in a light that they don’t want to be painted in….  Who are we to judge?

To each his own…

 

 

right?

One thing’s for certain, two things for sure: The more mistakes *I’ve* made, the less judgmental I’ve have become. *lol* I know that some people at certain points of my life may have thought that I was trying to be Holier than Thou, when in reality, sometimes I see SO MUCH of myself in other people/their decisions…it SCARES me. Like by somehow keeping them from what [I may deem a mistake, etc] it will somehow keep ME on the straight & narrow. *sigh* Or something like that. (Well, It makes sense in my own head… *shrug*)

SO: Is it our responsibility as a friend to speak up on certain things?  Or simply offer up a prayer for them and keep it moving? Hard to say…

I go back and forth with this alot. And mostly because I was always taught to surround yourself with like-minded individuals who will help elevate you to your next level.  BUT – who’s to say that only “like-minded” people have the ability to help you grow?

I have been tremendously blessed to to come to know some of the most colorful, crazy, smart, insanely talented people in this universe.  And MOST of them – though not always in agreement with me/my decisions/etc – feel blessed to have me & my particular brand of crazy in their lives, too.  Life is funny like that.

so, what say you?

Do “birds of a feather [always] flock together” ?
Or is “variety” [truly] the spice of life?

time flies [even when ur not] having fun…

2011 has not been a “banner” year for me. One F’ing thing after another. (after another) *pfft*

I lost a job [in some respect].
I lost my husband [in some respect].
I lost my sanity [in all respects].
I lost hope [but regained it].
I lost…ALOT.

But I guess in retrospect, I’ve also gained alot:

In losing my good 9-5 job, I also GAINED a real, viable business (not just a fly by night, some-timey, weekend-only side “hustle”).

• My baby GGX Jewels made some TREMENDOUS strides in terms of making a name for myself. Forcing me to step out on faith. Taking my craft to new levels. And even earning enough income to help keep me afloat. In one weekend alone at my first event of the season, I earned over $1200. NEVER. Ever. Would I have thought that I could make “that” kind of money, selling something I created with my own two hands. That, in turn, has given me pause – and caused me to re-evaluate seeing myself on only a “small” scale. Oh how I’d love for GGX to take over the world…but for now, I’ll just settle for taking over the DMV area. I think I’m off to a good start with that… Not to mention, put my years of experience into a NEW business venture – PTVA Services.

 

In losing my husband [by way of him taking care of his mom for an extended period of time], I also gained a “new” connection with my daughter by being a “single, I’m all you’ve got [for now]” parent.

• The time I was not working and was at home with Gianna – though drive me CRAZY she did – almost every day – I really and truly realize how amazing being a parent is/can be. We used to go to the pool. The play ground. Go on adventures up in NYC while visiting hubby/daddy…Had tons of fun!! Not only that – I realized that I am…a pretty damn good mother. Not even by my own accolades – but by hers. *cheezin* We have been broke. Damn near on the street. Eating Oodles-o-noodles…and she still thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread. She has no qualms about telling me I’m the best Mommy ever – even when I’m feeling like I’m the WORST. Somehow, she just KNOWS when I need her special brand of loving. I’m telling you, there have been times I have felt sooooooo unqualified and undeserving of this awesome little person I created, but she always reminds me that she “chose” me and she would never want another mommy even if she could “pick her out at WalMart” *swoon* What’s more? That other people see that “Good” mother in me – strangers even – that I can’t always see in myself. I have not a CLUE what I’m doing sometimes, but apparently, I’m doing something right. Her teachers think she is one of the smartest/brightest 3 years olds ever. Well-advanced for her age. She is sensitive. Kind. Generous. Empathetic. HILARIOUS, even. Just something special. But I’m sure all mom’s feel that way. It has also made me appreciate the fact that despite all of the other crap we’ve gone through, I picked the most dopesauce daddy for Figi-girl.

 

 

In losing my sanity & hope – I’ve come to realize just how many people ARE legitimately in my corner.

• Like, above & beyond… Most, I have met online in one way, shape, or form…but have turned into real-life, tried & true FAMILY. People have supported me in ways I never thought I’d need, and never thought that anyone would be willing to support outside of my own bloodline. And had I not gone thru what can very easily be described as The. Worst. Year —EVER, I would have never known how extremely blessed I am.

Funny how that works, eh?

I will also say, that despite the many long nights of crying & worrying, & praying, & planning, &…everything else – this year has FLOWN by. Like, *snap* it’s almost over! I guess I have been in perpetual grind/hustle-hard mode so hard…that I didn’t realize until just now that it’s the 4th quarter of the year. *SMH* I, for one am glad. It has been a bit much, and I am looking forward to being able to start over FRESH. Granted, there are no guarantee’s that 2012 wont pose it’s own unique set of challenges, but it HAS to better than 2011. Just HAS to be…

I have never doubted myself, my marriage, my life [as a whole] so much as I have this year. And while I KNOW that there is ALWAYS someone worse off than me – 2011 totally kicked my @$$. I never gave up the fight, but I still got dragged around the ring like a rag doll and FEEL as such. I need a vacation. Or a good full-body massage. Or both. *sigh* to the 50/11th power.

I know I’s tired. but I know that GOD has it in control. This storm has lasted so long I thought I might need to start building an ark to make sure I wasn’t swept away with all of civilization.

But I’m still here. Drifting (but not DROWNING).

Looking forward to the rainbow…

Love & Marriage (and the pursuit of Sanity): a 6 year retrospective

marriage = strength of PURPOSE

 

 

*disclaimer: REAL TALK HERE. If you are easily offended by language & such, you might wanna click the “X”*

Today is my 6 year anniversary.

Six Years.
Of.
Married… Bliss?? *insert blank stare here*

Bliss: defined as… “a state of profound satisfaction, happiness and joy, a constant state of mind, undisturbed by gain or loss.”

Oh really, now?

Yup. Not really. I’m not certain that “bliss” would be the the first word that comes to mind.  (Fuckery is more like it.  And not in the “biblical” Husband & Wife  sense either…so to speak).

I’ve been asked before if I’m “happily married”.

My response: sometimes *shrug*

That’s just REAL. And if I had the courage to ask more married folk about marriage success BEFORE I got married, I would have been more prepared.  Expectations are a mofo. And to expect that marriage (and essentially, another person) will give you/is responsible for [YOUR] happiness…is just…DUMB.

See, what most people fail to understand (especially those who have never been married) is that marriage is NOT the be all to end all.  I’ve spoken on this numerous times in my previous blogging life. Not everyone has the capacity for married life. Hell, sometimes I don’t even think *I* do.

Let’s examine, shall we?

MARRIAGE:
does not guarantee a perpetual state of “love & happiness” or that you will never be/feel lonely.
does not guarantee that you will never have to take out the trash or manage the household or do the things that a “man” is supposed to do.
does not  ensure “sin free” sex 3 times a week and twice on Sundays. O_o

• $hit happens.
• The economy takes a dive. Financial distress ensues.
• Gender “roles” get reversed because the husband loses his good job & the wife is now the one in control of the finances/household (and then the wife loses her job too…)
• Intimacy falls off because of all the stress surrounding the financial issues (surrounding the gender role reversal)

 

And lets not forget about the lessons in forgiveness. (but not even the “one” lesson that you automatically assume.) The only thing most people seem to think about when it comes to Love & Marriage [and commitment]…is fidelity. Fidelity does not a commitment make.  (the NUMBER ONE LEADING CAUSE OF DIVORCE IN THE US IS FINANCIAL DISTRESS, NOT INFIDELITY!! Give you some perspective??)  Trust me when I tell you…COMMITMENT is SOOOOO much bigger than that. So much MORE than just “forsaking all others”. But only married folks truly understand the depths of hell that true commitment can take you to…IMHO.  And for real? Sometimes the person that needs to be forgiven…is YOURSELF. *more on that in a minute*

Perhaps I should back up a bit. Details are of the most importance (sometimes).

Brief background: My MIL is very ill. Very. My husband has been one of her primary 24-hour care givers. It’s been going on a year now.  Both of us back & forth DC2NY… tryna keep this thang together. It’s kicking my @$$. I have gone thru the gamut of feelings about it – from feeling angry, deserted, and complacent…to feeling hurt, resentful, and ready to just say F@#% it all and hand over the papers.

Yeah – THAT didn’t go over so well *lol*

But how silly was I to threaten divorce…because things have been difficult (to say the least). Everyone has an opinion. But the only people actually IN a marriage…are the two people IN the marriage.  Feel me? It’s what you make it.  And furthermore – I’m gonna need the married folk to seek the counsel/advice of other married (even formerly) folk. NOT their single/never been married friends.  That might sound harsh – but it’s the truth.

The “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” that most unmarried people think of is of minuscule proportions compared to some of the REAL $hit most married folk go through.
Don’t believe me? I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU to ask your favorite [still] married couple (10+ years of marriage) to be BRUTALLY honest with you about 3 of the hardest times they had in their marriage.  The answers will astound you. Then, ask them how/why they are STILL married to this day…and how they pushed past the muck & mire to the proverbial “happily ever after”.

All of that to say this: As I now have 6 years in this fire-fight, I might not perpetually be “Happily Married” BUT: I’m HAPPY to still be married…to the man I TRULY believe without a shadow of a doubt that I am supposed to be with (if not just for these moments in time).

We have gone through ALOT. Some of the things would have people looking at ME sideways (yes, I am a HANDFUL). And as much as alot of times the man takes  most of the flack, it’s not always them. (Ladies – it CAN BE US.  Some of us have a knack for sabotaging our relationships. Sometimes intentionally. sometimes not. )YES, LAWD… that man has had me ready to volunteer myself to a prison cell on some days.  But the thing is – I believe that his INTENTIONS are pure when it comes to his commitment to our marriage and family.  Even if he falls short of the mark. and that’s what has made the difference to me.  Lord KNOWS I’m not blameless either.  I can’t even front like that.  And if you want to know something REAL? If my marriage fails, I would probably say that 75% of it would be my fault. *head nod*  Yes, while my INTENTIONS are pure towards making this thing work, I too, fall short:

• I have a horrible attitude.
• My deacon told me I need an anger management class (things that existed LONG before any relationship I ever had. let alone marriage)
• I swear like a sailor.
• I’m insensitive. Combative. Spiteful…(at times)
• I’m insane (certifiable, even)

I can HONESTLY look in the mirror and say that I am NOT the wife that I thought I would be.

Not.
Even.
Close. *sigh*

BUT – I  WANT TO BE.

I have alot of growing to do.  So does he.  and by the grace of God, we will grow TOGETHER.

As I mentioned earlier, we’ve been [physically] separated due to the situation with his mom for quite some time. I miss him. and I don’t even know if I’ve actually ever even told him that. Retarded. I know… but I’ve spent the better part of this year ANGRY at him for doing what he felt like he needed to do. And I haven’t made an already difficult situation any easier.  Shame on me.

It’s been said before that you should choose to spend your life with the one person you would want by your side if you had to bury a parent or a child.  Well, HE. Is it.  He might not be the BEST husband, and I might not be the BEST wife.  But dammit, we are doing the thang…together.

Writing this has forced me to examine this past year. And there have been ALOT of hard times. Some of you all have prayed for me & my marriage  more than I have. So for that – I THANK you.

But I have a question for the wanna-be/gonna-be married’s that may read this: WHY do you want to get married?

Really?

If you think that it will somehow “complete” you – PLEASE think again.  You must be complete, and content with yourself/life/existance BEFORE you even think about getting married. (now that I think about it, maybe that’s how *I* ended up in this boat – just being happy & content with my life BEFORE he even showed up.  Frankly, I think SOME of my single friends are far more “qualified” to be a wife then me. Others? Not so much *snark* THE HELL if I even know what I’m doing most days *lol*)

Lastly – I had to get over the ANGER I felt about us not spending our anniversary together, to really dig in and see what a blessing this marriage has been (to me, and to others by way of the “ministry”) So, I guess I’m over myself….

Year 6? Yup, we done DID that. We’ll spend the next 25 together. IF, *I’m* lucky… because no matter what – God has control of this.  So I’mma keep riding this thang until the wheels fall off.

*change soon come – i bring it*

P.S.  any other “happily” or “not-so-happily” or “once-upon-a-time” marrieds have any advice for me for the next 6 years?? email me! geenahb2@yahoo.com.