Phoenix Rising

I feel like a Phoenix.

Reborn. Rising from the fire & ashes.  You know, of folklore, mythology, and such…

After the year I had last year, it’s a miracle that I am still here. Covered by God’s grace, supported by family, and surrounded by some of the most amazing friends I could have ever hoped for. And when I say miracle? It’s THAT deep.

2011 was very easily the HARDEST, most difficult time of my life.

I mean that.

 

There were 1000 times when did not think I would make it. That my marriage wouldn’t make it. That I would have to check myself in somewhere lest I hurt someone (or myself).  I felt extreme pressure financially (read: no job).  I felt extreme pressure parentally (read: finding in myself in a position of being a single parent, even though I’m not-so-single).  I felt extreme pressure personally (read: fighting the feelings I was having about myself as a woman-wife-mother, new found issues involving self-esteem due to a dramatic weight loss transformation, and trying to grow my business & maintain a solid client-base as I was going through so much in my personal life that kept derailing me at a moments notice)

Yeah. Alot…

Don’t get me wrong, I know everyone has their cross to bear, and goes through hard time, and people who are going through just as much.  And I tried/try hard to not go so far off the radar that I don’t check in with those closest to me. But for me, 2011 was a personal WORST.  And as my true friends know, the way I cope is to fall back, and figure out a way to regroup.  It’s what Gina has to do for Gina. And I make no apologies about that. I’m never THAT wrapped up in my own mess that I can’t be there for someone else – but, I can’t read minds.  Send up a smoke signal, shine the the bat-light. Text me with a “Code 7″.  SOMEthing… and I’m there [however I can be].

Unfortunately, some still don’t understand me on that level. I can’t effectively be there as a friend when I’m caught up in the arduous task of trying to figure out how to make ends meet/feed/keep a roof over my/our head…for my childs sake.  How to maintain a long-distance marriage and help said spouse deal with a terminally ill parent… also for my childs sake. How to figure out some of my own mess… ultimately for my childs sake…

Facebook became more of a distraction than anything, so… I fell back. Because I had TOO MUCH going on personally to be worried about what everyone else was doing on an up-to-the-minute status updated basis.   If there is something really important going on that I need to know about – I won’t have to depend on a social networking site to deliver the information. Unfortunately though [for some people] if it ain’t posted on FB, then it aint legit/real life, worthy… *pfft*. To the point that I’ve been told (after trying to touch bases with someone offline via text, email, call) that I should have checked their FB page? OR how could I NOT know what was going on b/c I was plastered on their FB page?  O_o)

Really?

Yeah.  Ok.

But that’s an entirely different blog. And I’m so not in the mood to go there today. If ever.

All of that to say…

I am still here.

I am still going through some things.  But I am hopeful.

One of the biggest things for me was realizing that I need some help sorting & sifting through some of the parts of my life (past/present) in order to secure a stable future for myself and my family – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I started counseling recently.  And I must say – you never know how f*cked up you are until you spend an hour trying to put some [life] “puzzle pieces” together for a virtual stranger (albeit qualified one who has heard everything under the sun).  I came away from my first appointment feel defeated, and drained, and emotional…like “WTF?!  I will NEVER get myself together! It’s just too much…*SMH*”. But I also realize that some of my issues…stem back almost 37 YEARS. Thirty. Seven. Years.  From birth, to yesterday. Trying to figure things out, make sense of others, and truly look at myself in the mirror for who I am. and WHY I am…and change the things that don’t benefit me or my child. *head spinning*

Your relationship with your parents (or lack there of). Your issues (abandonment, abuse, addiction, or whatever is your brand of “stuff” is) Your fears. Your insecurities. Your regrets. Your disappointments…truly colors your world and help shape who you are. For the good, or for the bad.  And it’s time for me to face ALL of it.  Not just for me, but for my sweetface Gianna. And yes, even for her Daddy & ultimately our marriage.

I always thought I knew who I was as a person, but 2011 tested that. Granted, at my core…I know who Gina is.  but I also know Gina has alot of $h!t with her *lol*   So, now to figure out WHY I am…

It’s scary.  But it’s liberating. And oddly enough, reminds me of my awesomeness.  I’m not afraid to really see myself for who I am (or am not, but desire to be)…I’m not afraid to go into the rabbit hole… I’m not afraid of changing and growing.  Even though growing pains are a beast.

I guess I’m not so bad after all. And even if I was… I know that I don’t have to remain that way. I have  a choice in who I become – even if I didn’t always realize it.

Lastly, to my ride-or-die, hold-me-down & lift-me-up, always have my back [even when I don't know it] chosen FAMILY…  I have so much love for you – and am ever grateful that you love me for who I was, who I am, and who I am yet to become.  Your love & friendship brings out the VERY BEST in me. That’s real.

and that’s all…