Love & Marriage (and the pursuit of Sanity): a 6 year retrospective

marriage = strength of PURPOSE

 

 

*disclaimer: REAL TALK HERE. If you are easily offended by language & such, you might wanna click the “X”*

Today is my 6 year anniversary.

Six Years.
Of.
Married… Bliss?? *insert blank stare here*

Bliss: defined as… “a state of profound satisfaction, happiness and joy, a constant state of mind, undisturbed by gain or loss.”

Oh really, now?

Yup. Not really. I’m not certain that “bliss” would be the the first word that comes to mind.  (Fuckery is more like it.  And not in the “biblical” Husband & Wife  sense either…so to speak).

I’ve been asked before if I’m “happily married”.

My response: sometimes *shrug*

That’s just REAL. And if I had the courage to ask more married folk about marriage success BEFORE I got married, I would have been more prepared.  Expectations are a mofo. And to expect that marriage (and essentially, another person) will give you/is responsible for [YOUR] happiness…is just…DUMB.

See, what most people fail to understand (especially those who have never been married) is that marriage is NOT the be all to end all.  I’ve spoken on this numerous times in my previous blogging life. Not everyone has the capacity for married life. Hell, sometimes I don’t even think *I* do.

Let’s examine, shall we?

MARRIAGE:
does not guarantee a perpetual state of “love & happiness” or that you will never be/feel lonely.
does not guarantee that you will never have to take out the trash or manage the household or do the things that a “man” is supposed to do.
does not  ensure “sin free” sex 3 times a week and twice on Sundays. O_o

• $hit happens.
• The economy takes a dive. Financial distress ensues.
• Gender “roles” get reversed because the husband loses his good job & the wife is now the one in control of the finances/household (and then the wife loses her job too…)
• Intimacy falls off because of all the stress surrounding the financial issues (surrounding the gender role reversal)

 

And lets not forget about the lessons in forgiveness. (but not even the “one” lesson that you automatically assume.) The only thing most people seem to think about when it comes to Love & Marriage [and commitment]…is fidelity. Fidelity does not a commitment make.  (the NUMBER ONE LEADING CAUSE OF DIVORCE IN THE US IS FINANCIAL DISTRESS, NOT INFIDELITY!! Give you some perspective??)  Trust me when I tell you…COMMITMENT is SOOOOO much bigger than that. So much MORE than just “forsaking all others”. But only married folks truly understand the depths of hell that true commitment can take you to…IMHO.  And for real? Sometimes the person that needs to be forgiven…is YOURSELF. *more on that in a minute*

Perhaps I should back up a bit. Details are of the most importance (sometimes).

Brief background: My MIL is very ill. Very. My husband has been one of her primary 24-hour care givers. It’s been going on a year now.  Both of us back & forth DC2NY… tryna keep this thang together. It’s kicking my @$$. I have gone thru the gamut of feelings about it – from feeling angry, deserted, and complacent…to feeling hurt, resentful, and ready to just say F@#% it all and hand over the papers.

Yeah – THAT didn’t go over so well *lol*

But how silly was I to threaten divorce…because things have been difficult (to say the least). Everyone has an opinion. But the only people actually IN a marriage…are the two people IN the marriage.  Feel me? It’s what you make it.  And furthermore – I’m gonna need the married folk to seek the counsel/advice of other married (even formerly) folk. NOT their single/never been married friends.  That might sound harsh – but it’s the truth.

The “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” that most unmarried people think of is of minuscule proportions compared to some of the REAL $hit most married folk go through.
Don’t believe me? I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU to ask your favorite [still] married couple (10+ years of marriage) to be BRUTALLY honest with you about 3 of the hardest times they had in their marriage.  The answers will astound you. Then, ask them how/why they are STILL married to this day…and how they pushed past the muck & mire to the proverbial “happily ever after”.

All of that to say this: As I now have 6 years in this fire-fight, I might not perpetually be “Happily Married” BUT: I’m HAPPY to still be married…to the man I TRULY believe without a shadow of a doubt that I am supposed to be with (if not just for these moments in time).

We have gone through ALOT. Some of the things would have people looking at ME sideways (yes, I am a HANDFUL). And as much as alot of times the man takes  most of the flack, it’s not always them. (Ladies – it CAN BE US.  Some of us have a knack for sabotaging our relationships. Sometimes intentionally. sometimes not. )YES, LAWD… that man has had me ready to volunteer myself to a prison cell on some days.  But the thing is – I believe that his INTENTIONS are pure when it comes to his commitment to our marriage and family.  Even if he falls short of the mark. and that’s what has made the difference to me.  Lord KNOWS I’m not blameless either.  I can’t even front like that.  And if you want to know something REAL? If my marriage fails, I would probably say that 75% of it would be my fault. *head nod*  Yes, while my INTENTIONS are pure towards making this thing work, I too, fall short:

• I have a horrible attitude.
• My deacon told me I need an anger management class (things that existed LONG before any relationship I ever had. let alone marriage)
• I swear like a sailor.
• I’m insensitive. Combative. Spiteful…(at times)
• I’m insane (certifiable, even)

I can HONESTLY look in the mirror and say that I am NOT the wife that I thought I would be.

Not.
Even.
Close. *sigh*

BUT – I  WANT TO BE.

I have alot of growing to do.  So does he.  and by the grace of God, we will grow TOGETHER.

As I mentioned earlier, we’ve been [physically] separated due to the situation with his mom for quite some time. I miss him. and I don’t even know if I’ve actually ever even told him that. Retarded. I know… but I’ve spent the better part of this year ANGRY at him for doing what he felt like he needed to do. And I haven’t made an already difficult situation any easier.  Shame on me.

It’s been said before that you should choose to spend your life with the one person you would want by your side if you had to bury a parent or a child.  Well, HE. Is it.  He might not be the BEST husband, and I might not be the BEST wife.  But dammit, we are doing the thang…together.

Writing this has forced me to examine this past year. And there have been ALOT of hard times. Some of you all have prayed for me & my marriage  more than I have. So for that – I THANK you.

But I have a question for the wanna-be/gonna-be married’s that may read this: WHY do you want to get married?

Really?

If you think that it will somehow “complete” you – PLEASE think again.  You must be complete, and content with yourself/life/existance BEFORE you even think about getting married. (now that I think about it, maybe that’s how *I* ended up in this boat – just being happy & content with my life BEFORE he even showed up.  Frankly, I think SOME of my single friends are far more “qualified” to be a wife then me. Others? Not so much *snark* THE HELL if I even know what I’m doing most days *lol*)

Lastly – I had to get over the ANGER I felt about us not spending our anniversary together, to really dig in and see what a blessing this marriage has been (to me, and to others by way of the “ministry”) So, I guess I’m over myself….

Year 6? Yup, we done DID that. We’ll spend the next 25 together. IF, *I’m* lucky… because no matter what – God has control of this.  So I’mma keep riding this thang until the wheels fall off.

*change soon come – i bring it*

P.S.  any other “happily” or “not-so-happily” or “once-upon-a-time” marrieds have any advice for me for the next 6 years?? email me! geenahb2@yahoo.com.