time flies [even when ur not] having fun…

2011 has not been a “banner” year for me. One F’ing thing after another. (after another) *pfft*

I lost a job [in some respect].
I lost my husband [in some respect].
I lost my sanity [in all respects].
I lost hope [but regained it].
I lost…ALOT.

But I guess in retrospect, I’ve also gained alot:

In losing my good 9-5 job, I also GAINED a real, viable business (not just a fly by night, some-timey, weekend-only side “hustle”).

• My baby GGX Jewels made some TREMENDOUS strides in terms of making a name for myself. Forcing me to step out on faith. Taking my craft to new levels. And even earning enough income to help keep me afloat. In one weekend alone at my first event of the season, I earned over $1200. NEVER. Ever. Would I have thought that I could make “that” kind of money, selling something I created with my own two hands. That, in turn, has given me pause – and caused me to re-evaluate seeing myself on only a “small” scale. Oh how I’d love for GGX to take over the world…but for now, I’ll just settle for taking over the DMV area. I think I’m off to a good start with that… Not to mention, put my years of experience into a NEW business venture – PTVA Services.

 

In losing my husband [by way of him taking care of his mom for an extended period of time], I also gained a “new” connection with my daughter by being a “single, I’m all you’ve got [for now]” parent.

• The time I was not working and was at home with Gianna – though drive me CRAZY she did – almost every day – I really and truly realize how amazing being a parent is/can be. We used to go to the pool. The play ground. Go on adventures up in NYC while visiting hubby/daddy…Had tons of fun!! Not only that – I realized that I am…a pretty damn good mother. Not even by my own accolades – but by hers. *cheezin* We have been broke. Damn near on the street. Eating Oodles-o-noodles…and she still thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread. She has no qualms about telling me I’m the best Mommy ever – even when I’m feeling like I’m the WORST. Somehow, she just KNOWS when I need her special brand of loving. I’m telling you, there have been times I have felt sooooooo unqualified and undeserving of this awesome little person I created, but she always reminds me that she “chose” me and she would never want another mommy even if she could “pick her out at WalMart” *swoon* What’s more? That other people see that “Good” mother in me – strangers even – that I can’t always see in myself. I have not a CLUE what I’m doing sometimes, but apparently, I’m doing something right. Her teachers think she is one of the smartest/brightest 3 years olds ever. Well-advanced for her age. She is sensitive. Kind. Generous. Empathetic. HILARIOUS, even. Just something special. But I’m sure all mom’s feel that way. It has also made me appreciate the fact that despite all of the other crap we’ve gone through, I picked the most dopesauce daddy for Figi-girl.

 

 

In losing my sanity & hope – I’ve come to realize just how many people ARE legitimately in my corner.

• Like, above & beyond… Most, I have met online in one way, shape, or form…but have turned into real-life, tried & true FAMILY. People have supported me in ways I never thought I’d need, and never thought that anyone would be willing to support outside of my own bloodline. And had I not gone thru what can very easily be described as The. Worst. Year —EVER, I would have never known how extremely blessed I am.

Funny how that works, eh?

I will also say, that despite the many long nights of crying & worrying, & praying, & planning, &…everything else – this year has FLOWN by. Like, *snap* it’s almost over! I guess I have been in perpetual grind/hustle-hard mode so hard…that I didn’t realize until just now that it’s the 4th quarter of the year. *SMH* I, for one am glad. It has been a bit much, and I am looking forward to being able to start over FRESH. Granted, there are no guarantee’s that 2012 wont pose it’s own unique set of challenges, but it HAS to better than 2011. Just HAS to be…

I have never doubted myself, my marriage, my life [as a whole] so much as I have this year. And while I KNOW that there is ALWAYS someone worse off than me – 2011 totally kicked my @$$. I never gave up the fight, but I still got dragged around the ring like a rag doll and FEEL as such. I need a vacation. Or a good full-body massage. Or both. *sigh* to the 50/11th power.

I know I’s tired. but I know that GOD has it in control. This storm has lasted so long I thought I might need to start building an ark to make sure I wasn’t swept away with all of civilization.

But I’m still here. Drifting (but not DROWNING).

Looking forward to the rainbow…

Love & Marriage (and the pursuit of Sanity): a 6 year retrospective

marriage = strength of PURPOSE

 

 

*disclaimer: REAL TALK HERE. If you are easily offended by language & such, you might wanna click the “X”*

Today is my 6 year anniversary.

Six Years.
Of.
Married… Bliss?? *insert blank stare here*

Bliss: defined as… “a state of profound satisfaction, happiness and joy, a constant state of mind, undisturbed by gain or loss.”

Oh really, now?

Yup. Not really. I’m not certain that “bliss” would be the the first word that comes to mind.  (Fuckery is more like it.  And not in the “biblical” Husband & Wife  sense either…so to speak).

I’ve been asked before if I’m “happily married”.

My response: sometimes *shrug*

That’s just REAL. And if I had the courage to ask more married folk about marriage success BEFORE I got married, I would have been more prepared.  Expectations are a mofo. And to expect that marriage (and essentially, another person) will give you/is responsible for [YOUR] happiness…is just…DUMB.

See, what most people fail to understand (especially those who have never been married) is that marriage is NOT the be all to end all.  I’ve spoken on this numerous times in my previous blogging life. Not everyone has the capacity for married life. Hell, sometimes I don’t even think *I* do.

Let’s examine, shall we?

MARRIAGE:
does not guarantee a perpetual state of “love & happiness” or that you will never be/feel lonely.
does not guarantee that you will never have to take out the trash or manage the household or do the things that a “man” is supposed to do.
does not  ensure “sin free” sex 3 times a week and twice on Sundays. O_o

• $hit happens.
• The economy takes a dive. Financial distress ensues.
• Gender “roles” get reversed because the husband loses his good job & the wife is now the one in control of the finances/household (and then the wife loses her job too…)
• Intimacy falls off because of all the stress surrounding the financial issues (surrounding the gender role reversal)

 

And lets not forget about the lessons in forgiveness. (but not even the “one” lesson that you automatically assume.) The only thing most people seem to think about when it comes to Love & Marriage [and commitment]…is fidelity. Fidelity does not a commitment make.  (the NUMBER ONE LEADING CAUSE OF DIVORCE IN THE US IS FINANCIAL DISTRESS, NOT INFIDELITY!! Give you some perspective??)  Trust me when I tell you…COMMITMENT is SOOOOO much bigger than that. So much MORE than just “forsaking all others”. But only married folks truly understand the depths of hell that true commitment can take you to…IMHO.  And for real? Sometimes the person that needs to be forgiven…is YOURSELF. *more on that in a minute*

Perhaps I should back up a bit. Details are of the most importance (sometimes).

Brief background: My MIL is very ill. Very. My husband has been one of her primary 24-hour care givers. It’s been going on a year now.  Both of us back & forth DC2NY… tryna keep this thang together. It’s kicking my @$$. I have gone thru the gamut of feelings about it – from feeling angry, deserted, and complacent…to feeling hurt, resentful, and ready to just say F@#% it all and hand over the papers.

Yeah – THAT didn’t go over so well *lol*

But how silly was I to threaten divorce…because things have been difficult (to say the least). Everyone has an opinion. But the only people actually IN a marriage…are the two people IN the marriage.  Feel me? It’s what you make it.  And furthermore – I’m gonna need the married folk to seek the counsel/advice of other married (even formerly) folk. NOT their single/never been married friends.  That might sound harsh – but it’s the truth.

The “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” that most unmarried people think of is of minuscule proportions compared to some of the REAL $hit most married folk go through.
Don’t believe me? I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU to ask your favorite [still] married couple (10+ years of marriage) to be BRUTALLY honest with you about 3 of the hardest times they had in their marriage.  The answers will astound you. Then, ask them how/why they are STILL married to this day…and how they pushed past the muck & mire to the proverbial “happily ever after”.

All of that to say this: As I now have 6 years in this fire-fight, I might not perpetually be “Happily Married” BUT: I’m HAPPY to still be married…to the man I TRULY believe without a shadow of a doubt that I am supposed to be with (if not just for these moments in time).

We have gone through ALOT. Some of the things would have people looking at ME sideways (yes, I am a HANDFUL). And as much as alot of times the man takes  most of the flack, it’s not always them. (Ladies – it CAN BE US.  Some of us have a knack for sabotaging our relationships. Sometimes intentionally. sometimes not. )YES, LAWD… that man has had me ready to volunteer myself to a prison cell on some days.  But the thing is – I believe that his INTENTIONS are pure when it comes to his commitment to our marriage and family.  Even if he falls short of the mark. and that’s what has made the difference to me.  Lord KNOWS I’m not blameless either.  I can’t even front like that.  And if you want to know something REAL? If my marriage fails, I would probably say that 75% of it would be my fault. *head nod*  Yes, while my INTENTIONS are pure towards making this thing work, I too, fall short:

• I have a horrible attitude.
• My deacon told me I need an anger management class (things that existed LONG before any relationship I ever had. let alone marriage)
• I swear like a sailor.
• I’m insensitive. Combative. Spiteful…(at times)
• I’m insane (certifiable, even)

I can HONESTLY look in the mirror and say that I am NOT the wife that I thought I would be.

Not.
Even.
Close. *sigh*

BUT – I  WANT TO BE.

I have alot of growing to do.  So does he.  and by the grace of God, we will grow TOGETHER.

As I mentioned earlier, we’ve been [physically] separated due to the situation with his mom for quite some time. I miss him. and I don’t even know if I’ve actually ever even told him that. Retarded. I know… but I’ve spent the better part of this year ANGRY at him for doing what he felt like he needed to do. And I haven’t made an already difficult situation any easier.  Shame on me.

It’s been said before that you should choose to spend your life with the one person you would want by your side if you had to bury a parent or a child.  Well, HE. Is it.  He might not be the BEST husband, and I might not be the BEST wife.  But dammit, we are doing the thang…together.

Writing this has forced me to examine this past year. And there have been ALOT of hard times. Some of you all have prayed for me & my marriage  more than I have. So for that – I THANK you.

But I have a question for the wanna-be/gonna-be married’s that may read this: WHY do you want to get married?

Really?

If you think that it will somehow “complete” you – PLEASE think again.  You must be complete, and content with yourself/life/existance BEFORE you even think about getting married. (now that I think about it, maybe that’s how *I* ended up in this boat – just being happy & content with my life BEFORE he even showed up.  Frankly, I think SOME of my single friends are far more “qualified” to be a wife then me. Others? Not so much *snark* THE HELL if I even know what I’m doing most days *lol*)

Lastly – I had to get over the ANGER I felt about us not spending our anniversary together, to really dig in and see what a blessing this marriage has been (to me, and to others by way of the “ministry”) So, I guess I’m over myself….

Year 6? Yup, we done DID that. We’ll spend the next 25 together. IF, *I’m* lucky… because no matter what – God has control of this.  So I’mma keep riding this thang until the wheels fall off.

*change soon come – i bring it*

P.S.  any other “happily” or “not-so-happily” or “once-upon-a-time” marrieds have any advice for me for the next 6 years?? email me! geenahb2@yahoo.com.