Phoenix Rising

I feel like a Phoenix.

Reborn. Rising from the fire & ashes.  You know, of folklore, mythology, and such…

After the year I had last year, it’s a miracle that I am still here. Covered by God’s grace, supported by family, and surrounded by some of the most amazing friends I could have ever hoped for. And when I say miracle? It’s THAT deep.

2011 was very easily the HARDEST, most difficult time of my life.

I mean that.

 

There were 1000 times when did not think I would make it. That my marriage wouldn’t make it. That I would have to check myself in somewhere lest I hurt someone (or myself).  I felt extreme pressure financially (read: no job).  I felt extreme pressure parentally (read: finding in myself in a position of being a single parent, even though I’m not-so-single).  I felt extreme pressure personally (read: fighting the feelings I was having about myself as a woman-wife-mother, new found issues involving self-esteem due to a dramatic weight loss transformation, and trying to grow my business & maintain a solid client-base as I was going through so much in my personal life that kept derailing me at a moments notice)

Yeah. Alot…

Don’t get me wrong, I know everyone has their cross to bear, and goes through hard time, and people who are going through just as much.  And I tried/try hard to not go so far off the radar that I don’t check in with those closest to me. But for me, 2011 was a personal WORST.  And as my true friends know, the way I cope is to fall back, and figure out a way to regroup.  It’s what Gina has to do for Gina. And I make no apologies about that. I’m never THAT wrapped up in my own mess that I can’t be there for someone else – but, I can’t read minds.  Send up a smoke signal, shine the the bat-light. Text me with a “Code 7″.  SOMEthing… and I’m there [however I can be].

Unfortunately, some still don’t understand me on that level. I can’t effectively be there as a friend when I’m caught up in the arduous task of trying to figure out how to make ends meet/feed/keep a roof over my/our head…for my childs sake.  How to maintain a long-distance marriage and help said spouse deal with a terminally ill parent… also for my childs sake. How to figure out some of my own mess… ultimately for my childs sake…

Facebook became more of a distraction than anything, so… I fell back. Because I had TOO MUCH going on personally to be worried about what everyone else was doing on an up-to-the-minute status updated basis.   If there is something really important going on that I need to know about – I won’t have to depend on a social networking site to deliver the information. Unfortunately though [for some people] if it ain’t posted on FB, then it aint legit/real life, worthy… *pfft*. To the point that I’ve been told (after trying to touch bases with someone offline via text, email, call) that I should have checked their FB page? OR how could I NOT know what was going on b/c I was plastered on their FB page?  O_o)

Really?

Yeah.  Ok.

But that’s an entirely different blog. And I’m so not in the mood to go there today. If ever.

All of that to say…

I am still here.

I am still going through some things.  But I am hopeful.

One of the biggest things for me was realizing that I need some help sorting & sifting through some of the parts of my life (past/present) in order to secure a stable future for myself and my family – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I started counseling recently.  And I must say – you never know how f*cked up you are until you spend an hour trying to put some [life] “puzzle pieces” together for a virtual stranger (albeit qualified one who has heard everything under the sun).  I came away from my first appointment feel defeated, and drained, and emotional…like “WTF?!  I will NEVER get myself together! It’s just too much…*SMH*”. But I also realize that some of my issues…stem back almost 37 YEARS. Thirty. Seven. Years.  From birth, to yesterday. Trying to figure things out, make sense of others, and truly look at myself in the mirror for who I am. and WHY I am…and change the things that don’t benefit me or my child. *head spinning*

Your relationship with your parents (or lack there of). Your issues (abandonment, abuse, addiction, or whatever is your brand of “stuff” is) Your fears. Your insecurities. Your regrets. Your disappointments…truly colors your world and help shape who you are. For the good, or for the bad.  And it’s time for me to face ALL of it.  Not just for me, but for my sweetface Gianna. And yes, even for her Daddy & ultimately our marriage.

I always thought I knew who I was as a person, but 2011 tested that. Granted, at my core…I know who Gina is.  but I also know Gina has alot of $h!t with her *lol*   So, now to figure out WHY I am…

It’s scary.  But it’s liberating. And oddly enough, reminds me of my awesomeness.  I’m not afraid to really see myself for who I am (or am not, but desire to be)…I’m not afraid to go into the rabbit hole… I’m not afraid of changing and growing.  Even though growing pains are a beast.

I guess I’m not so bad after all. And even if I was… I know that I don’t have to remain that way. I have  a choice in who I become – even if I didn’t always realize it.

Lastly, to my ride-or-die, hold-me-down & lift-me-up, always have my back [even when I don't know it] chosen FAMILY…  I have so much love for you – and am ever grateful that you love me for who I was, who I am, and who I am yet to become.  Your love & friendship brings out the VERY BEST in me. That’s real.

and that’s all…

Tis the season…

Well, I had fully intended to post my “Life & Loss” death blog that has been kicking around in my mind given my loss this week, but I can’t pull myself together enough to write it. So…I’m changing lanes for a moment.

I have been asked on a few occasions…exactly WHAT is on my wishlist for the holidays. Well, the main thing is intangible: my life to get back to some semblance of “normal” so that myself, my husband, & daughter can get back to being a family again.  But more specifically, IF I had the means…what would I spend it on for MYSELF as a gift for the season. (Cuz we all know, FiGi is not wanting for anything  — thank GOD).

Wow. *sigh* I hadn’t even had time to think about it. And it actually took me a good long minute to comprise this list, b/c buying for myself is not something that I do very often.

So…

what would I want? *shrug*

A few things, I suppose.  And as I review this “list”, I can see that I’m not very lofty when it comes to doing for me. *lol* I wonder what’s up with that? I need to upgrade myself/desires for the upcoming year!

It is my hope, that I WILL be able to do at least 3 of these things for myself before my birthday in February. Why? Because, I eff’ing DESERVE it.  After the way 2011 bent me over with no vaseline…I d@mnsholnuff think I DESERVE something… nice. I’ve worked my @$$ off. Provided for my family, hustled my jewels…and did my damnedest not to let life get the best of me.  *hmph*

As I mourn the loss of my MIL, I remember something she once told me about being worth “every good thing”.  I know I don’t have caviar tastes, and not sure if anyone else would consider any of these things that “Good” -  but these are the things that’d certainly make me smile a little inside. Get a good chuckle, if you will. I’m easy… *smirk*

Bootleg iPad *lol*

To be “felt up” *devilish grin*

Lowfat Gina Clothes *poppin my smaller colla*

Creative Inspiration #GGXROCKS

Over the shoulder boulder holders …for an impeccable rack

To give good Face (nuff said)

Wife Help *lawd*

Choco-BLISS *swoon*

That being said – what’s on YOUR holiday list?? If you could do/buy ANYthing (no budget restrictions, etc) FOR YOURSELF – what would it be??

Just…BREATHE

 

Greetings good folks and Starr Gazers!

 

I know its been FAR too long.  But, as you know…I’ve had a ton of transitioning to undergo. I must say though – that I am breathing ALOT easier these days!

 

It’s been about 2 weeks since I fully moved out of the old Apt.  And while is was VERY emotional as I was going through it – I’m finally feeling more at ease and settled into my new digs.  I’ve slept better in the past 2 weeks than I had in the past 2 years…and that is saying ALOT. More relaxed, less stressed, and able to effectively get back on track. *WOOOOO SAHHHHHH*

 

The new gig is WONDERFUL.  I have never worked in such a relaxed environment. One that definitely doesn’t feel like coming into a “job”.  Granted, the $ is NO WHERE NEAR what I was making at SAIC – but GGX is supplementing that quite nicely.  Not sure if I could ever go back to a feddy gov’t environment. People here (there are only 25 ppl in the entire organization/bldg) actually LIKE what they do and enjoy coming to work. And so do I.  This, is most certainly, a relief.  I’ve already been told to expect the position to go FT sometime in the new year…AND, Ive already taken on additional responsibilities (and supervisory duties!) – so I’m happy!

 

GGX is kicking holiday @$$, if I might say so myself… I tacked a very intimidating venue that I had been fighting doing for about 5 years – the FEMA Holiday Bazaar. I am still overwhelmed by how well I did – and how many of my old co-workers came out to support (As well as the overall general feedback from the consumers).  It definately helped me to begin being more accepting of my “Talent” (though that word still makes me cringe for some reason). If nothing else, I’m embracing my passion which has bode well for me.  Sadly, not EVERY one gets to live their dream.  I’m WELL on my way to living mine…

 

This past weekend, I had a long overdue photo/video shot…taking on another character portrayal. And as in the past…it wasn’t a cutesy shoot.  I got to dress up in some Kill Gear ala Angelina Jolie-Pitt…and wear guns…and kill folk.  I had a BLAST letting off some steam, too.

And if I may say so myself: looked d@mn good doing it!

resting in between scenes *whew*

 

In any event…things seem to be falling into place.  And for that – I am extremely grateful.

I’ll try to do better at updating/posting, but my plate is pretty full right now.

 

 

*speaking of a full plate* ———->

The weight is a tad stagnant, but the inches continue to melt away.  We shall see if I make it to this Bday goal of mine.  Might be thisclose, but I’ll try not to sweat the small stuff.  Too proud of my progress to speak anything negative about it. (right now. cuz y’all be on a sista’s CASE!)

 

 

Admittedly, I feel a little out of the loop. On FB…and in the lives of some of my dear friends. *sigh* Sometimes I have to pull back a bit to focus on what I need to be doing for me/mine. I hate feeling left out, but I can’t always be plugged into every body [elses] life so much that I forget about what I’m supposed to be doing in my own. I’ll fall back into the fold soon enough…

 

All that said – I’m taking one day at a time… and remembering to breathe along the way.

 

Thanks to all of those who check up/check in/send love/show support… It has truly meant more to me than you know…

 

Until we meet [in cyberspace] again…

 

Resurfacing (slowly)

So, I’m sorta/kinda back on the grid (for now). I had to dip for a minute. FB, Txt, Email. The whole nine.

That’s what I do…

and how I cope. 

 

Some don’t understand it, but those who know me the best allow me my time/space when I am going through a rough patch.

Time to get a grip. Regroup. Plan. Organize. What-have-you.

Space to work through things in my head. Scream. Cry. Cuss. Fuss…and yes, even PRAY.

We all need that sometime…

 

I’ve been so bogged down with the “for better or worse…for richer or poorer…in sickness and in health…” part of marriage/life – I felt like I was suffocating. Now, after taking some time to put things in perspective, I’m finally resurfacing…

The new gig is going well. Thankful that stability is not one of the things I have to worry about right now. Foot in the door. Benefits. Convenience. Growth Opportunity. *word*

 

I am, however, still making peace with the fact that I have to effectively “start over”. *womp, womp* But do-over’s can be good. Not everyone gets the chance to get it right. So perhaps, I really need to be excited about starting fresh. Though ultimately, once the stress of the transition has evaporated and I’m fully settled…I can better (and more optimistically) look towards the future.

 

GGX is also making headway, and will be getting the holiday season of selling my wares off to a roaring start in the next couple of weeks. For those that don’t know… check out GGX Jewels. I need to update the calendar on the website, but if you want to know what events are upcoming – you can most def check out the FB Fan Page. Thanks to those of you who have continued to support my creative efforts. I fell off a bit as I took a hiatus from this as well – but my creative mojo is making it’s way back…so look for some great new designs (and awesome, “financially smart” holiday gift-giving ideas with their own personal flair).

 

OAN: Hubby will be home tonight for a few days…so I will be off the grid again with the close of this post. One thing I’m learning as I take time for myself and my family, is that I – and probably a lot of people *no judgement* – spend far too much time online…when I (they/we) could be spending [some of] it building/cultivating/salvaging real-life relationships/friendships/doing some soul searching. That’s not to AT ALL say that you can’t do that online. After all, some of my nearest & dearest friendships started online. But… there is something to be said for the peace and clarity you can gain from taking the time to log off & disconnect sometimes. Sometimes, you just have to…LIVE. IJS…

 

All that said – that is pretty much all that’s fit for print. I hope everyone is doing well.

Until next time…

…these are a few of my favorite things…

1.  The feeling of hydrogen peroxide bubbling up in my ear-holes before a good Q-tip “eargasm”

2.  M.A.C. cosmetics – especially the StudioFix in C4,   LustreGlass in “Sinnamon”, and Eye Shadow in “Patina” & “Vex”… (Though I have not purchased anything from the store in well over a year.  I DID, however, cop some Diamond Shine Lip Color Gel & some Hello Kitty mascara from the “MAC Hustle Man” in the Bronx during one of my NYC trips. Could NOT pass those up for $5 bucks!)

3.  Smell good oil from the “Oil Man” at the mall – my must have scents are: Pu$$y, Jean-Paul Gaultier MEN (smells better than the womens!), Red CocoMango, and White Amber.

4.  Whole Foods… (enough said)

5.  Brazilian Bikini waxes… (there is something extremely sexy/sensual about having your nether regions slathered with hot wax.  Granted, the ripping out of hairs from every nook & cranny kinda drop-kicks you back into “WTH am I doing this for?” mode.)

6.  Smelling Gianna’s “Stinky Baby Feets”… (reminds me of how I felt her inside kicking me for the first time…and how I’d smile every time I felt her move inside of while she was “baking”. My pregnancy wasn’t an easy one, but I still miss it. The super special bond that only her  & I will have, because I am the one that carried her…3 years later, I still get all giddy and teary eyed sometimes when I look at her. And even moreso, when I smell her “salty-but-sweet stinky-but-smelling good” lil baby feets.)

 

7.  Dexter… (Blood Splatter Analyst, Husband/Father, Brother/Son, down-to-earth Cynic – and dare I say sexy – man. Oh yeah- who just so happens to be a Serial Killer avenging the deaths of those who’s perpetrator’s “got over” on the system. Brilliantly written and cast. What’s not to love?)

 

 

8. Porn… (sometimes ONLY for pure comedic value.  Have y’all SEEN some of this stuff? People talking about “stick your sausage in my hairy meat curtains” O_o *LMAO* )

9.  McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets *hangs head in shame* (NOTE: I will ONLY eat then if honey is available for dipping. If said honey is not available after my order has been placed, I WILL cancel my order. Or, If I’m at the Walmart McD’s, I’ll just go “borrow” a bottle from the shelf *walks away whistling* – this is one thing I’ve tried hard to shake, but indulge in a 4pc on occassion, even though since WLS I can only eat 3 nuggets at any given time…thank God for that!)

 

10. gLee… (so sue me. That show rocks!)

JUST TO NAME A FEW

Care to share yours?

The Secret Lives of Wives

A friend of mine posted a link on FB today about a book – the Secret Lives of Wives.  I haven’t even READ the book yet – but the full blog/commentary can be found HERE.

Now,  I am by no means saying that this woman has all the answers.  But, I must say – SO MUCH much information in such a teeny-tiny review/article.  SO MUCH that lept off the page at me.  SO MUCH I wish I had known BEFORE I took the leap. I felt compelled to share.  Take from it what you can – I certainly intend to. *taking notes*

Below – are 8 Tips on ‘How to Stay Married Forever’ (inspired by Iris Krasnow’s THE SECRET LIVES OF WIVES).  I don’t know about all THAT, but seems like sage advice to me.  Some of it is so simple – and should come naturally – but alas, for most of us…it doesn’t.

enjoy!

1. It’s okay, even healthy, to have secrets: It’s your relationship, not anyone else’s, and there is no gold standard marriage. Everyone has issues, problems, and most importantly, their own secrets, so don’t worry that your marriage isn’t measuring up. No one knows what’s really going on in a marriage except the two people in it. That gives each of us the freedom to write our own rules and keep our own secrets.

2. You don’t get it all it one place. Staying married takes bold creativity, a variety of sideline adventures. If you depend on one person in one house to sustain you until death do you part that’s a ticket to divorce. A marriage that runs on multiple tracks makes for a happier wife who gets to have it both ways — a committed marriage and adventures in uncharted territory.

3. Resurrect childhood passions. Those hobbies and sports you loved to do, and excelled at, as a child bring raw primal energy and invigorated self-esteem. Take up surfing again, become a potter, get back on a horse, go back to school. Too often those hobbies of childhood get left behind as we sit on benches and watch our children race around playing fields and accrue academic kudos. Getting back out there yourself and re-engaging with the best of the old brings on a re-birth of youthful optimism and vigor.

4. Hang out with outrageous girlfriends: The wives with the highest marital satisfaction have a tight circle of wild and warm women friends with whom to drink, travel and vent. With women in their early 90s comprising the fastest growing segment of the aging population, and many marriages lasting more than 50 years, we’re going to need all the laughs and support we can get! Our girlfriends, ever-forgiving and always empathetic, provide the escape hatch from the inevitable storms and challenges that come with long marriages.

5. Take Separate Vacations – or Separate Summers: You like to camp and your husband likes to golf? Spend a month in the Adirondacks while he goes with his buddies to Scottsdale or better yet, Scotland. After some weeks apart from each other, removed from the grind of ordinary life, marriage seems way hotter than the tepid state in which you left each other in. Couples who allow each other to grow separately are the ones with the best chance of growing together and staying together.

6. Indulge in boy-best-friendships: Platonic friendships are a sexy pick-me-up without the complications of adultery. Women who love the company of men shouldn’t have to eliminate male friends from their lives; these extra-marital males who always think we’re smart and beautiful (because they don’t live with us) are actually a relief for any smart husband. Benign boyfriends that offer manly insights and advice means less work for the man you are married to.

7. Lower your expectations: It’s a dangerous fantasy to think marriage really means happily-ever-after. Expecting perfection in a marriage or a mate is a fast ticket to divorce. This realization forces women in aging marriages to be urgent about creating their own purpose and passions outside of their relationships. Marital bliss is possible if each partner is blissful without the other.

8. Be grateful:  In between wifely gallivants and self-exploration, remember to love the guy you’re with – kiss him hello and goodbye, and make time for conversation and intimacy, no matter how crammed your schedules are. Remember to thank the confident and flexible husband that allows you to have an independent and fulfilling life beyond your marriage. Don’t try to win every fight; give in, surrender and say “I’m sorry” (even if you’re not sorry one bit) instead of holding onto snarly anger that forms toxic wedges over time. Demonstrating ongoing vulnerability and compassion definitely makes spouses behave better. And the ability to bounce back from strife and arguments is the real secret that makes marriages last forever.

Inspired by Iris Krasnow’s THE SECRET LIVES OF WIVES (Gotham Books; On-Sale October 2011)

Love’s Hangover

I’m in an introspective mood. Have been digging deep in some of my  “therapy notes” (ie: old blogs) and taking some notes.

 I wrote this back in July of 2007.  Looking back on it and re-digesting the meat of it - 3 things came to mind:

1) I can be a BEAST with a pen & paper when moved to do so

2) I HAD to have been either “under the influence” or on a spiritual high – because some of this is so deep, I had to re-read it 3 or 4 times to fully get it…and I’m the one that wrote it!

3) That’s all I got. *SMH* I done made my OWN self speechless.

 

ENJOY.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Why is it 

That

Love…

(In all it’s beauty)

Can be…

So

Difficult…

So

Painful…

So

Unreceptive…

So

Overly ambitious…

So

Misunderstood…

So

So…

Sooooooo…

Draining

(at times)

But yet-and-still

Something

So

highly revered

And

Desired…

And

Necessary…

And

Sought…

And

Given…

(even freely)

When the door can be slammed in your face at any moment?

The fear can be paralyzing, can’t it?

Because marriage…

Does not guarantee

What they show you

On TV…

In the movies…

Within the pages of a romance novel…

Marriage only guarantees that there is someone

Who at some point

In some way

(or another)

Saw something in you WORTHY of the love they had to bestow upon you…

Then to turn around and deem your own self un-worthy of the GIFT

That someone has freely given you

Can feel like a…

SLAP

in the face!

So why is it that

In the heat of the moment

Or

When a check is cashed from your “Karma Account”

It is soooooooooo

Difficult

Sooooooooo

Unrealistic

To expect that you will wear that “shoe” once it’s placed on the other foot?

This morning

I had to take it to “The Word” (The Message version)

To try and [re]gain some understanding…

And was slapped in the face

At a place called Corinth:

 “ No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do… I’m bankrupt without love”

And furthermore…

“ Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end…”

Well, maybe I myself, has had this love thang wrong? This is a tall order to fill

And I’m most certain

I’ve fallen

Short…

I’m as human as the next

But strive to be

better

than

I

was

previously…

“from scratch”

 

from scratch:   From the beginning;  starting with no advantage or prior preparation

From basic materials or raw ingredients

                                                                                         raw: “…not yet processed or purified“

 

*sigh*

 

i’m about to start over…

from.

scratch.

 

 

and at first, I couldn’t find the blessing in having to start “my life” over again.

like painstakingly building a sandcastle…only to watch it be washed away by the current.

ya know?

 

 

people always say “change is good”. and it can be. but not always. and for real?

it’s stressful… to say the least. (I’ve had enough stress to last me a lifetime!)

and I don’t want to have to start

from.

scratch.

 

 

BUT…

after the year I’ve had,  a point of

“from

scratch”

is the best place for me.

 

 

so,

I’m leaving a place I’ve lived for almost 10 years. in an effort to be able to BREATHE and REGROUP (and stack some $$$).

TOTALLY in my feelings about, but know that it must be done in an effort to secure a better future and reach some goals I’ve set for myself.

a new place to lay my (and Mini’s) head.

(from.

scratch.)

 

 

i…

have reconciled myself to the fact that I will have to start my marriage again – after being apart for a year or more.

upon Cat Daddy’s return from the big city when things with his mom’s health have reconciled, we are going to have to try and pick up where we left off (not the best place anyway), or try to make a fresh start.

again – probably the best thing given the hellacious year we have had a couple. One day at a time…

from.

scratch.

 

 

 

let’s not even really delve into the whole “new body/self image” pot.

safe to say, re-learning to love the skin i’m in will be a dish better tackled

from.

scratch.

 

 

 

and, after what has been a seemingly never ending storm…the clouds cleared enough for me to see a new beginning in

“from

scratch”

 

 

today, I accepted a permanent position at the assignment where I’ve been temp’ing  for 2 months.

i can’t explain how it felt, to finally feel such an overwhelming sense of…

relief.

granted, it’s PT (@ 30 hrs/wk), but I get benefits, SL, vacay, and paid holidays. (which also gives me enough time to still hustle my GGX biz)

i’ve been given the opportunity to turn the position into “whatever [I] want it to be” – as I take on/seek out new projects & responsibilities, which could also help me transition it into a FT position. it’s totally up to me.

new job, new experience, new opportunity. definately…

from.

scratch.

 

 

I guess starting over, isn’t always a bad thing.

 

 

after all, some of the best things are made…

“from.

scratch.”

 

 

Karma, Baby!

I originally blogged this as a new “New Mommy”. Some years have passed, I I returned to this writing because it still holds so true – NOW, more than ever. As she grows into a Little Person, with her own personality, thoughts, ideas, desires… I just wanted to return to this organic feeling of what being a mother is. Good, bad, beautiful, ugly. (because it bee’dat way sumetimez!)

*additional commentary is emphasized*

Karma, thy name is…Gianna.

A lot of things, discussions, comments, pictures, everything…led to this post. But as I was alking to get on the train, it hit me:

Gianna is my good karma!

For every time I took the high road instead of the low…

Gianna: Means "God is Gracious" - in Italian

Everytime I prayed for someone instead of cursing them out…

Every good deed I’ve done when I could have done nothing…

For every bit of thanks & glory I gave God when I couldve easily felt it was owed to me…

 

SHE

 

…is a manifestation of all the good I’ve done (or tried to do).

 

She is a joy…for her family and others (some who don’t even know her) and she has helped heal the hearts of many (her mommy included).  I’m not saying that all of my karma is good karma – by any means – but this beautiful, easy going, happy, sweet-spirited little girl that I am blessed enough to be gifted with from God – is the totality of everything that is and has gone right in my life.

 

 

              

 

Now that I’m 3.5  years into this adventure called Parenthood, I see karma from the other side:

 

GiGi GIVES. IT. TO. ME. *smdh*  My sister in law told me one day after having kept her in NY for a month or so “Everything I didn’t know about your personality, I know now! LOL!” *hangs head* This child is absolutely the BEST of me.  But there are parts of her personality, LAWD! *seething* My biggest flaws, I’m beginning to see in her.  Well, not flaws – as far as she is concerned -  but my ornery nature…my temper…my tendency to question authority? *sigh* Yup, she’s got that, too!

 

 

 It is my prayer that she becomes a well-rounded, forward-thinking, upstanding member of society. And, come to own/accept all the different facets of her personality – even if some of them…need a little work *ahem*looking in the mirror*

 

 

But as with all things,  you take the good with the bad. But right now – as I bring this to a close, I want the overall vibe of this to be a positive one. Yeah, we all know that “what you put out there is what you get back”, and “you attract what you are”,  blah, blah, and blah. 

This sweetface…is the manifestation of all the positive energy that I have put out into the world.

 

 

 

Yes, karma CAN be a bitch.

But sometimes it can be a sweet, angel-faced little girl named Gianna…

Matrimonial Nooky (and/or the lack therof)

This rant & ramble brought to you by Starrdeezy and The IMP (Inner Male Pig) – my anonymous, witty, transparently honest friend.  A hearty thank you to him for his candor – while digging into the marrow of a big misconception about married sex.  I’m still working on the format for this She Said/He Said blog that will try to get out once a week, but for now – this will do.

Also, as an aside: this Starrdeezy blog will not just be about “Love and Marriage“.  The topics/posts will run the gamut over time – but as I work through some of my own stuff, it will inevitably end up here. This far cheaper than any therapist in the DMV. So deal with it.  Just trying to bash some myths one personal issue at a time! *lol*
Here we go…

SHE SAID:

If I hear ONE more “single” woman talk about how great “married sex”/in-house d!ck will be/must be…I’m gonna punch somebody in their F-ing ovaries.

Seriously.

Perhaps I should take it back and remind you of the blog I wrote about this same subject a few years ago. Dig into the original Married Sex discussion here.

Yeah. For those that didn’t know…MOST marriages go thru cycles, phases, or what have you.  Sometimes you are totally connected and in tune emotionally/physically. Sometimes not.  It all tends to depend on what challenges you may be traversing as a couple (or even individually). I have been in my feelings about this topic because, well. It’s be a LONG time.  TOO damn long.

 

HE SAID:

The first few years was typical.  We did it wherever and whenever we could.  In the car, in the park, before work, after work, at a friend’s house, at her momma’s house, surroundings didn’t matter.  Whenever one of us was willing, the other one of us quickly signed on and sex was had.  It was a good time too.  She was right around that early 30s time when (I think) women are at their horniest.  [SIDENOTE: If I'd known then what I know now, I would have always sought out women who were between 28 and 35.  They might not have the tight abs that men swear are important, but OMG they can fuck.  They've gotten past that hesitant and bashful point in their lives, they know what they like, and they aren't afraid to demand it.  Before I met my wife, I dated 2 women who were at least 10 years older than I was.  They made me a man!!!!]  During this time, nothing was out of bounds.  The cute girl from the store who’s always flirting with the two of us, sure she can join in.

SHE SAID:

Now, while I realize that while sex was “created” for marriage, etc., etc., etc., sometimes the ebb & flow of life kinda puts a kink in THAT.  In my particular case: living in limbo between DC & NY has wreaked HAVOC on intimacy/connection. Not just the distance – but the emotional strain of caring for an ill parent (him), on top of financial stress (we), on top of “single” parenting a now school aged toddler/re-entering the work-force FT/trying to establish my small business as a viable one (me)… Well, you get the picture.

The time we HAVE been able to spend together has generally been rushed and/or stressed, and/or not conducive to “re-connecting”, if you will.  Then add to the fact that some men really need to be IN it mentally/emotionally before they can get into it physically…and well, THEREIN lies the problem in my particular situation.

It’s.
Been.
Months.

To say the least.

And I’m angry.
Frustrated.
HORNY. *duh*

And honestly – given the magnitude of some of what I’ve been going through…ESPECIALLY given the fact that there just aren’t enough hours in the day any more…Sex should be the farthest thing from my mind. But…it’s…not.
HE SAID:

Then it happened.  At about year 5 we got out of sync.  I had a health issue and it was about 8 months before I truly got my mojo back.  She had a health issue and it was another 6-7 months before she got her mojo back.  It was a very stressful time financially.  Life was just tough and sex wasn’t what it used to be…  This was a major stress point, let me tell you and I will admit that on more than one occasion, I was an asshole about it.  We’d talk about it, make resolutions to communicate more and “fix” the issue only to slide right back into our ways in a few days…

 

SHE SAID:

The “emotional horniness” gives way to a whole nother slippery slope. For me, especially with the dramatic weightloss – feeling out of sorts/out of my comfort zone while trying to adjust to a newer me adds another level to my needs.  I’m not just horny. I’m attention starved! Sex starved + attention starved + lonely + stressed = a hot @$$ mess!! Trying not to become an attention whore (and trying not to become an emotional/literal adulterous whore) is hard work sometimes.  Things that SHOULD be easy, become harder and harder as time goes on.  It even makes you question who you are as a person, some of these thoughts that you have.  And I’m still trying to reconcile THAT. Being the wife I WANT to be in the face of circumstances that I HATE but are my (our) real life, for the time being.

HE SAID:

There was a period where I thought to myself, “fuck it, I’m a good husband in every other respect, so if I can’t get in sync with her, I can at least get in sync with somebody”.  I explored the possibility of an affair with a female cop who had a tattoo of a scorpion going down the entire length of her thigh.  Just as we were about to “click”, life (and God’s divine guidance) saved me from myself.  I can only think of the horror that would result from (a) messing with a female cop and (b) messing with a woman who would tattoo a big ass scorpion.  You mentioned being “emotionally adulterous”.  That’s the perfect term for it.
SHE SAID:

So what to do, what to do??  Throw my hands up. Love on myself harder to get through the drought? Or just rest in the fact that like all the other tomfoolery, craziness, and strange circumstances I’ve found myself in the midst of in this marriage (and learning the more I dialog with other marrieds) that sexual cycles – among other phases – are just as much a part of marriage as anything else. O_o.

*SN: the more I write about all of this “stuff”, the more I work thru some of my own $h!t. It’s quite cathartic & therapeutic. Especially after receiving so many offline messages and emails. As stated before, I don’t know jack about being married.  I’m trying to feel my way thru all of this.  Trying to help myself not to make too many dumb@$$ mistakes and ruin the best learning/growing experience that I could ever have. All the while, possibly helping others have a forum to express their issues/comments IF they want… to let others going thru similar things NOT feel so alone in it – as I did for so long…or – so smack the rose-colored glasses off some of the un/wannabe-marrieds faces so that they get a better, more realistic picture of the lunacy that married life can be*

HE SAID:

On the plus side, it has forced me to reassess what sex is and what it means to the marriage.  I’ve learned a great deal about the role intimacy plays in a marriage as opposed to just fucking… I think we have better sex now.  I’ve long-since given up trying to mimic all the things guys do in porn films, blowjobs are not the norm, and I know that if I let her get too sleepy before trying to make a move, my chances of success diminish exponentially.  I’ve accepted the fact that we’re both getting older and there may come a time when things don’t work like they did when we were 25.  Just as with finances and 1000 other things you face in marriage…[a married sex life] evolves from one that’s dependent on quantity to one that’s dependent on quality.

SHE SAID:

Yeah. I get it. But dammit…I’m still horny.

Now what??

*sigh*

I guess all the world’s troubles can’t be solved in a blog, huh? I’mma take my horny @$$ and go sit in a corner somewhere…and try to channel that energy into something more…fruitful, than detrimental.

Any one care to dish about the happenings in their boudoir? Married, divorced, separated… I wanna hear from you. Feel free to email if you’d rather not post in a public forum: geenahb2@yahoo.com